Now you might be asking "What the HELL is the story behind this lovely piece of work???"

Here's the scoop, all boiled down for you:

I was getting sick and tired of drawing old naked Italian women and hairy school bus drivers* in my Life Drawing class. I needed to push it to the limit. I needed to.....(dramatic pause)....draw the most disturbing god damn thing I could think of for my next project!!!

So...

I ended up drawing Myself: without my shirt on, wearing one Black Velcro Biking Glove, grasping a Fake Pink Flower, sticking my Tongue out in a most disgusting manner, and wearing those Fake Retard Teeth.

Guess what? It worked. People were...how do I say...oh yes...quite disturbed indeed. It was great. All of the projects were hung outside in the hall in glass cases. In these grand cases of wonder, you would see a row of lovely studies and sketches of figure, shape, and form. Then, you get to my "Metard". People typically had one of these reactions:

1. They thought it was the most disturbing thing that they ever saw and it made them want to vomit all over their own shoes.
   
   
2. They saw the humor in it and GOT IT!!! I was trying to mock the other "Artists" in the school who tried sooooooo hard to make "edgy" art with twisted and bizarre psuedo-sexual imageries. There is a LOT of that in Art School**.
   
   
3. Did I mention the "vomit" and "all over shoes" yet?

And THAT is the story of my "Metard". You will find it now residing in the Louvre. By Louvre, I mean, stuffed in my closet never to see the light of day again.

* It's true. One of the more... er... fascinating nude models was a school bus driver. He was about 40 years old, with a thick Magnum P.I. stash going on and he had a penchant of doing football and basebal poses for us (remember...still Butt Naked). Gotta love Art School. Talk about vomit.

** This actually spawned from a painting that I saw hanging up in school. Actually an ENTIRE series of paintings. The whole concept was this... when looking at the picture far away, you would see happy scenes (a sunset, a puppy, and so on). Upon CLOSER look however, the viewer comes to find that the picture is ACTUALLY made up of hundreds of pictures of PENISES (or PENI, whatever the plural of Penis is). I shit you not. All of these pictures were set up like this. This person had spent a LOT of time cutting, pasting, painting and sketching all of these tiny penises to make these. Thats when the thought suddenly struck me..."What the flying fuck is this suppose to be...just....what the fuck???" And I realized that my world would never ever be same.