'Twas the night before Christmas
As I lay slouched in my chair
With nothing else on
'Cept some old underwear

The television flickered
As day came to an end
Watching a commercial
'Bout my personal psychic friend

As I started to dial
Phone pressed to my ear
A large crash had resounded
It sounded quite near

Then from the roof
Came a terrible clatter
So terribly frightened
I lost control of my bladder

Logs in the fireplace burned
Their warm flames rose ever so higher
Suddenly a scream from the chimney
"AAAHHH!! My ass is on fire!!!"

Then from the fireplace
Some black boots dangled about
Help!",the voice shouted
"For God's sake get me out."

I pulled and I tugged
Almost busted a nut
Out popped a fat, nasty old man
With a giant beer gut

He wore a dirty red suit
Smelled so bad it would make you sick
A stupid hat on his head
It must be St. Nick

"My job is done.", he said
"Presents are under the tree."
"Now you and I"
"Are going to PA-ARTY."

From his sack he had pulled
Tequila, Wicked Pete's, Red Wolf, and Moosehead
I then knew the real reason
Why his nose was so red

Then a small elf
Before me didst stand
With board games, cards,
And some dice in his hand

"Ho,ho,ho.", he said
"There's no reason to talk"
"We'll just play plenty of beer games"
"'Til neither one of us can walk."

Off in the corner
Sat one of his deer
The elves were all laughing
As it shot-gunned a beer

I followed the rules
But he broke all the laws
He's one cheating bastard
The man called Santa Claus

For hours we played
Killer King, Beeramid, The Curse
Santa fell off the chair
I fear he got it the worse

The room began to spin
My mouth had a terrible taste
And poor Santa Claus
Was far beyond being shit-faced

He started to reel
Then fell to the floor
The beer was all gone
The party was no more

"Ish time for me to go."
"I haf drank to excess."
Looking about me
My house was a mess

Beer cans littered the table
Bottles everywhere to be seen
With a wink of an eye
It suddenly was all clean

Up the chimney he flew
With his trashed little elf
I was finally left
To be by myself

"On Dasher, On Dancer."
"On Prancer, On Vixen."
"On Vomit, On Stupid."
"On Dahmer, On Manson."

From the top of the roof
To weaving through the air
He was drinking and flying
But just didn't care

And I heard him exclaim
Wind blowing through his scarf
"Merry Chrishmish to all."
"And to all a good BAARF"