"What the hell are you talking about, Maniac?", you may ask. Most likely you are NOT asking this, but this would throw a bone into the whole point of this story, so I will just PRETEND that you did and continue...(ah, the POWER)
My friends and I (or is it "me and my friends" or "my friends and me" - stupid proper grammar) decided that we wanted to ROCK. Not just ROCK, but ROCK the FUCKING HOUSE DOWN!!!
There was a problem. None of us had any instruments or, for that matter, any skill and/or ability to carry a tune at all.
So... we formed an ANTI-BAND. This is a band that would never play anywhere (not a single gig – nope, not a one), but we wrote songs, made flyers, and even had t-shirts designed. We were the AWESOMEST band that never existed.
We were so REBELLIOUS that we rebelled against the rebels, thereby rendering us absolutely normal. I could tell you about all of the non-existent groupy chicks that piled into our big pretend tour bus and had giant fictional orgies with us giving us imagined sexually transmitted diseases (all while we battled phantom drug addictions to cocaine and heroine that we had never took). But this would simply be sad. Really sad. Instead, feel free to read some of the Metal Masterpieces that I had personally written (and never sang) for the band. If you feel REALLY adventurous, record one of the songs below and send it to me. I'll post it for ALL to hear.Debbie Gibson Must Die
By Flaming Vomit
(Start playing any Debbie Gibson in the back (preferably "Out of the Blue"), then start DESTROYING anything around you, begin screaming like an irate manshee (a male banshee), and then vomit all over the front row of the audience before you begin. Make sure to have a nice large supper before the show to enhance the spewage range. Nothing says Metal more than the Power Puke.)
Debbie Gibson...
Annihilation...
Hey, get READY for total DESTRUCTION
Now... she's... coming... after you...
Oooh, oooh, Out of the Blue
(Now sing this 875 more times or until the audience decides that its just stupid and they all beat you to death for wasting their time.)
My Oedipus Complex
(sung to the tune of The Who's Pinball Wizard)
(sung to the tune of The Who's Pinball Wizard)
By Flaming Vomit
(This was written in psychology class about Freud's theories. I had to explain this before you read it and thought I was some sicko Mother-Lover Dad-Killer. I love my Momma, but I don't LOVE my Momma. I leave that up to all those country singers on GAC (or as I say the Gay Ass Country station)).
Ever since I was a young boy.
I liked to suck Mom's breasts.
I don't know why I did it,
But God it was the best.
You might think this strange,
But listen to the rest.
Damn that Freudian Theory.
My Oedipus Complex.
Chorus:
My Oedipus Complex
This is what I had.
Want to have sex with my Mother
And then I'll kill my Dad
Why do you think he does it..
...I don't know
I kind of think its my ID
At ages 2 to 3
I liked to shit my pants
And after I was done
I'd do a little dance.
You might think this strange.
But this is not just Chance.
Damn that Freudian Theory
My Oedipus Complex.
Chorus:
Devil's Pawn
By Flaming Vomit
(For this song, make sure to wear your best assless chaps, a chainmail wife-beater, and a Conan the Barbarian wig. It may help to eat a lot of Taco Bell before hand. This doesn't really help with the song at all since there is no vomiting involved during this performance, but there is nothing more freeing than shooting out the fart bombs in assless chaps. Truly a beautiful experience.)
You come into this word
An innocent child
Never leaving mother's hand
Protected from the wild
Staring widely at the world
Totally Pure of heart
But now were you to know
Your life would be blown apart
Reality hits you
Like a Nuclear Assault
Life it sucks
And its all your fault
Your eyes slowly burn
From the hellfire of the sun
Your stuck in the sights
Of the Grim Reaper's Gun
Chorus:
Life is merely
Just an eternal game
There are no rules
Just to Kill and Mail
Good and Evil
Battle for your Soul
Falling Deeper
Into a Blackened Hole
Turning slowly into
Another Devil's Pawn
Mesmerized by
The Demon's Evil Song
Life is merely
Just an eternal game
There are no rules
Just to Kill and Mail
Good and Evil
Battle for your Soul
Falling Deeper
Into a Blackened Hole
Turning slowly into
Another Devil's Pawn
Mesmerized by
The Demon's Evil Song
Voices, voices
Screaming in my head
Voices, Voices
Have to do what they said
Mother, Mother
Save me from this hell
Help Me, Help Mn
Or in insanity I will dwell
Running Faster
Trying to get away
But they always follow
They always stay
(sing lyrics below reallllllly fast, loud evil, and stupid, like you just snorted a 6 pack of Red Bull straight into the snoz, ate an entire bag of sugar, and had a Cocaine Sandwich for lunch)
They are crying out my name
Forcing control of me
Kill, Crush, Destroy, Maim
Burn all that's in their way
Evil thoughts they make me do
In darkness, blackness I now lurk
Waiting for their cursed call
Always leaving a bloody mark
Running, Hiding, from the law
Waiting, Waiting for the night
Sacrifice to come my way
Drinking all their holy blood.
Replenishing their evil power
I can feel their cruel strength
Taking over, growing, by the hour
No longer can I be their slave
I have to stop, their deadly grip
I have to somehow get AWAY!!!!!
